Thursday, May 21, 2009

Trent Does a Good Deed! (And Will Probably Be Punished for It)

Okay, we can get out of haiku mode now. Unless you want to continue.

So if you keep up with Trent's Twitter, you are probably aware that he intends to be slightly less omnipresent online, due to the well-documented fact that his fans are assholes. But what I love about Trent is that, even with the constant online harassment, he still has faith in our better natures.

Trent has taken up the cause of Eric De La Cruz, who is in critical need of a heart transplant and is getting jerked around by the travesty known as U.S. health care. You can read more about Eric here, here, and here.

What Trent has decided to do is really pretty awesome. TR sez:

"Here's what we're offering - three options:

If you have a ticket to a NIN/JA show: if you donate $1,000 to this cause, we'll invite you to come hang out with us before the NIN/JA show of your choice. You and a guest can watch soundcheck, eat dinner backstage with us, take pics / get autographs and watch the show from the side of the stage if you'd like.

If you donate $300, you and a friend can join us for soundcheck and a handshaking / hug session before doors open at the NIN/JA show of your choice.

If you do NOT have a ticket to a NIN/JA show: if you donate $1,200 to this cause, we'll invite you to come hang out with us before the NIN/JA show of your choice and provide 2 tickets (best available). You and a guest can watch soundcheck, eat dinner backstage with us, take pics / get autographs and watch the show from the side of the stage if you'd like.

100% of the money collected from this will go directly to Eric's fund."

Currently, this deal is for North American NINJA tour dates, but it sounds like Trent is considering opening this up for European shows as well? Stay tuned!

If you don't have a lot of cash to spare, I do encourage you to do pick the "I want to help" option and donate $10 to this cause, as Eric's need is life-threatening and urgent.

Iris, Mr. Iris, Ro, and I have decided to go in on the slightly cheaper option, so Trent will be plagued by our presence at an upcoming soundcheck! I'm sure that my personal encounter with him will go something like this:

Maise: Hi, Trent.
Trent: Hi.
Maise: Thank you for doing this.
Trent: Thank you.
Maise: Um, I wrote you some haikus while waiting in line.
Trent: (looking for a garbage can) Uh, okay.
Maise: (calling after Trent who is walking away) IT'S ME, TRENT! IT'S MAISE! MAISE!
Trent: Um, security?

So let's build up a LOT of excitement for this special Places Parallel encounter, as I'm sure the actual meeting will be the most anti-climactic thing ever.

Oh, and if you too are hanging out backstage or at a soundcheck, we want to hear all about it!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Happy Birthday, Trent!

It's not a Places Parallel greeting card without some homemade haikus!

Happy birthday, Trent!
You're finally forty-four.
Our boy's all grown up.

I would have written
these sooner, but it was a
beautiful day out.

Cause contrary to
popular belief, I do
have a life. Sorta.

But YOU'RE the birthday
boy, so we take a moment
to celebrate you.

We hope you've had an
awesome day, free of any

We hope your minions
bought you some decent presents.
No Coldplay bullshit.

We hope your Twitter
was filled to capacity
with tweets of much love.

Are you in Vegas
or something? You could go see
some Cirque du Soleil.

Or maybe you could
have a spa day! You know, like
a manly spa day.

Hope your fiancee
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah barf.

Anyway, I just
want to extend some happy
wishes your way, Trent.

I'm sure Iris will
photoshop something awesome
when she gets the chance.

All comments in this
thread must be in haiku, or
they face deletion.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Maise's Guide to Surviving Marriage--Lesson #1

Hi, everyone!

You know, I feel like in the midst of all the brouhaha, I've really come to terms with Trent's impending marriage. I know that many of our newer readers have not, so keep in mind that *all* personal attacks on the happy couple or Iris and me will be swiftly deleted. (sigh)


So Trent is 11 years older than me, and he has a lot more life experience than me. He knows a lot more about music and world travel and fame and what it's like to have a few million dollars. But one thing that I do know more about is marriage, having participated in the institution for nearly nine years now. So my engagement gift to Trent is to pass on some of the wisdom that I have gained all this time through trial and error.

Today I will pass on the first and foremost and most critical lesson for anyone getting married: LEARN WHEN TO KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT.

This, I think, is the most difficult of all intimate relationship skills to master, but it is also the most valuable. Learning when to keep your fucking mouth shut can prevent bitter arguments or at least keep arguments from escalating. Now, some couples enjoy having blow-out fights on a regular basis, but I am not one of those. So learning when to keep my fucking mouth shut has really helped to keep the peace between Mr. Maise and me.

Some examples:

One of the things that drives me nuts about Mr. Maise is when he has a temper tantrum related to inanimate objects. (You hear me on this, Mariqueen?) Mr. Maise starts to get all shouty about home improvement projects or video games, and my blood pressure just skyrockets. My natural impulse at these times is to say something like, "Well, if the video game is stressing you out that fucking much, maybe you should turn it off for a while!" But that's when his anger at inanimate objects turns into anger at me, and then we both start shouting at each other, and doors slam, and we have to seethe silently for a while, then eventually someone will say something innocuous to try to make up. And these spats are occasionally inevitable, but if I just keep my fucking mouth shut at these times, his anger at inanimate objects passes more quickly than would his anger at me, so we don't have to waste a nice evening pouting.

Last night was the perfect example of when to keep one's fucking mouth shut. I was tidying up the kitchen while Mr. Maise was cooking. When Mr. Maise started to scrutinize my dishwasher-loading technique, I responded with severe aggravation, "Fine! God!" Then he snapped, "What?!" Then I shouted, "STOP MICROMANAGING ME!!!!" Then we had a few moments of annoyed silence, and the fight was over. But that was because Mr. Maise wisely kept his fucking mouth shut at that moment. Later, when we were both feeling more amiable, he chuckled to himself and admitted that at the moment I exclaimed, "STOP MICROMANAGING ME!" he wanted to reply, "But you're not doing it right!" If he had said that at that precise moment, this could all have ended in a stabbing. Instead, we had a good laugh about how a long marriage teaches you to censor yourself at critical moments.

Now, keeping your fucking mouth shut is not a panacea for all of a relationship's challenges. There are times when it's actually very important to open your fucking mouth about something. Like with sex complaints. Or if your spouse is about to be run over in the street by a runaway semi. It's knowing WHEN to speak that's the trickiest part...and the most important.

I'm sure there will be more installments in this series...does anyone else have any constructive relationship tips?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Get Well Soon, Dave Gahan!

Here at Places Parallel, although a dangerous NIN obsession is our bread and butter, we also like to report on other bands as well.

One of my lifelong favorites, Depeche Mode, was in the news lately for unfortunate reasons. Lead singer, Dave Gahan is currently hospitalized in Athens. I saw earlier news reports that called his condition "gastroenteritis," but according to this report, no one is saying what is wrong with him. So I certainly hope that it's not serious and that Dave recovers quickly. After all, we are looking forward to seeing him and DM at Lolla this August.

Although it may just be the latest manifestation of the mysterious "Ro Curse" on Depeche Mode. During their last tour, Ro and I and another friend had tickets to a show at the Allstate Arena, but sadly, Ro couldn't attend the show due to a sudden death in the family. Then the next time they were scheduled to appear in Chicago, Ro got tickets and eagerly awaited the show. The day of the show, she discovered that the gig had been cancelled due to Dave Gahan's contracting laryngitis. A few days later, it was announced that the show would not be rescheduled.

Now the new tour is underway, and Ro purchased her Lollapalooza 3-day pass and is eagerly awaiting Depeche Mode as the final headliner. And now Dave Gahan is hospitalized? Mere coincidence? Hmmmm...

At any rate, here is the official DM announcement on Dave's condition.

Friday, May 8, 2009

We Interrupt this Broadcast...

of endless bitching and moaning about Trent to bring you IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS:

It is our Iris' birthday today!


Thursday, May 7, 2009

Maise is Haunting Twitter!

Welcome to the Spring of Our Discontent!

Mainly I want to get a new post up here in case NIN fans still need to express their grief. I really, really, really would prefer to discuss something else, however. I'm just lacking in material. Like Depeche Mode's new album, for example, which I still have to get.

So...yeah. I'll work on that.

In the meantime, I'm on Twitter! I realized that I need to stop tweeting Trent Reznor as my real fucking self, and I would love to friend all of you who are currently using it. So look for me here.

Meanwhile, any suggestions on new posts? I need a muse.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

The Worst News of the Century...

The Hindenburg. The Titanic. The attack on Pearl Harbor. The day Trent Reznor got en...I can't even say it.

Look, people, I don't know what's what. I just got back from Hawaii with a sunburn and a stye on my right eyelid, and I swam with sharks and did all kinds of cool things. I come back to read a lot of inane Twittering, Trent wanting to beat people up by the flagpole at 3, Anonymi spouting hatred over shit that's really none of their business...

Oh wait, that's right...Trent Reznor's personal life is NONE of our business!

So it's not being discussed here. Nothing to see, people. Move along. If you start getting nasty and personal, you will be swiftly deleted, as was always the rule around these parts. God knows I don't need Trent trying to PHYSICALLY find me. Also, news and gossip of this nature interferes with my personal delusions, so I'm just going to ignore it.

Besides, we've always had plenty to discuss in the past without debating the merits of those in personal relationships with Trent: his music, his concerts, his online crabbiness, his killer fashion sense, how much Billy Corgan sucks, JR's job and fountain pop, Dan's favorite thrash bands, other random shit. Let's get to it.