Friday, October 25, 2013

An Overall Feeling of Meh.

Thank Jesus no one actually reads this.  I made this big to-do about "I'm BACK!"  Then I created a few posts and abandoned this place for a couple of months.  Well, no fear, non-readers!  Real-life obligations had to be attended to, and it's ridiculous for me to make any sort of creative commitment in the fall anyway.

I've been listening to "Hesitation Marks" nonstop, of course, and even saw NIN at the Verizon Center in DC with Iris, which was a fabulous time, but describing my feelings about all of that feels like a lot of work, and it's a Friday night, and I'm bored, but not in the mood for actual work.

It's very frustrating to me that I don't have a consistent online presence.  There was the real me, writing and blogging in my 20s, and now there's this me, barely disguised as Trent Reznor's deceased canine companion, and if he's aware of any of my former WTC or PP activity, he probably thinks I'm the biggest fucking asshole, but it was just a screen name for a crazy message board, I swear!  A screen name that got a little out of hand for a while.

Sometimes I think about those heady days when my heart and my soul and my deepest secrets were in this ether.  Times when I disappeared into this kind-of, sort-of alter ego because my real life was completely tanking.  The question is, has anything actually improved?  Or have I just become better at coping?  Or just more adequately medicated? Or maybe when you get older, you get better at accepting the completely unacceptable. 

"Hesitation Marks" hits my heart in strange ways.  Maybe that's why I've been hesitant (heh) to actually write about it in any depth.  

"Disappointed" would be one of those tracks I typically skip over, but one afternoon, I had it playing in the background while I was doing some very tedious task, and the following words hit me and shattered me like a brick flying through a window:

look at you
with all the world 
to save
you'd think by now
you'd figure out
that nothing's going to change

can I ask you something?
what did you expect?
so disappointed
with what you get
did you ever want to
just get out of here

And to think, lyrics aren't even really Trent's strong suit!

To avoid any future disappointment, I've got some plans for future posts.  They just probably won't be published at a rate appropriate for a person who's serious about blogging.