Tuesday, January 22, 2008

What a Cloverfuck!

One of the things that got Mr. Iris and I to brave the cold weather this past weekend was to watch the highly anticipated Cloverfield. We've been excited about this ever since we saw the preview for it before the Transformer's movie. But OMFG, this movie BLOWS!

Major Spoilers Below Picture!
You've been warned.

Now before anyone starts busting my balls, I begrudgingly give this movie credit for it's "realism," meaning the shaky camera POV throughout the whole movie (because obviously they wouldn't be traveling with a full-body camera stabilizer), the lack of information known by the military (too much knowledge during those scenes would denote that they knew it was coming and did nothing. OMG Terrorist Monsters!), the confused masses fleeing Manhattan like cattle, and all the time the main characters spend sitting around staring blankly or making bad jokes. Those are all things that would probably happen if this were real, but just because those touches are there doesn't mean it makes the movie GOOD.

What really blows is that you have a legitimate monster movie, but you BARELY SEE THE MONSTER. Instead what you get is Hero Boy, his frat buddy, and two other tag-alongs plodding through Manhattan with the notion that they must "save the damsel in distress," aka the girl with whom Hero Boy recently became "more than just friends." To the writer and director, you guys have months of hype and a real element of surprise and that's the plot line you go after? Weak, man, weak. Let me tell you something: if realism is what you were going for, then you should know that boy heroes do not exist. Boys nowadays...they're not going to rescue some one-night stand who's already hooked up with another guy. No fucking way. And especially not if there's some giant outer space praying mantis-looking thing out tearing up the city. Real boys would be tuck-tailing and saving their own skinny asses, and I wouldn't blame them one bit. Shit, I'd probably knock them down trying to get out myself. My friends should know that, while I love them dearly, if a enormous mutant whale-o-pus should venture from the briny deep with a raging case of PMS and begins wreaking havoc in the city we're residing in, then all bets are off, and you're on your own. No hard feelings, guys. I'd expect you to do the same. I can hear some of you saying, "But Iris, he loved her! They said so to each other at the end of the film!" Yeah, yeah, yeah...well I'd be saying some crazy shit too if I were being bombed and death were knocking at the bridge. I mean, no one wants to die single. Am I right?

And while we're on the topic, what about that shitty ending? Just "Hi, I'm so-n-so," bombs drop, and *poof* they're dead, so let's roll the credits? Come on! Obviously the government is still intact enough to send a recovery team/cleanup crew, who found the tape. The opening credits with all the DoD warnings tell us that much, so why not let us in on a little more like where the hell did it come from, what the hell did they do about it, or what the hell was it? Or are the producers trying to set the stage for a sequel with a static-y radio broadcast clue that when played backwards whispers, "it's still alive". Nuccas, please! There isn't enough Dramamine in the world to get me to go to another installment of Gyrating Camera Theater.

And for those that are saying "Jesus, Iris, where's your suspension of disbelief? Can't you just give in a little for the sake of entertainment?" Well, folks, it was all consumed with believing that cell phone batteries come fully charged direct from the package at the local Radio Shack, that the characters are in possession of a SUPER CAMERA that comes with standard lighting, night vision mode, unending amounts of battery power, limitless amounts of video tape, and is also apparently made from that indestructible black box material they use on aircrafts, and that the cameraman's name just happened to be "Hud" (Head-Up Display anyone?). Oh, and the fact Hud films the entire time even while being attacked by the monsters. Not just attacked once--but twice! Okay, so maybe Hud took the "How to Film Bjork in Airports" class and really is that tough. But still...do I have "sucker" written on my forehead?

A big thumbs down for Cloverfield for me. By hey no surprise here...the Big Giant Head liked it. I'd just be careful of his judgment. The Christ Clone Trilogies and Rob Sheridan. 'Nuff said.


maise said...

I think I'll probably wait for this one til it's on the small screen and not as likely to give me a migraine...

maise said...

Oh, another reason I'm waiting to see this on the small screen? There's no No Barf Guarantee with Cloverfield.

I'm not very susceptible to motion-sickness (it would more likely give me a migraine than upset my stomach), but I don't want to encounter people in the theater who are. Yuck!

Meanwhile, kids, I had a NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE this morning. For real!

I was driving on the expressway at 9 a.m., as usual. The car in front of me hit the brakes, so I did too, then I must have hit a patch of ice because I started to slide. I thought, "Oh shit, someone's going to clip me going 80 mph." Then I started to spin, and I thought, "Oh shit, I'm going to wind up in the ditch." Then I saw a semi coming towards me, and I thought, "Oh shit, I'm going to DIE." Miraculously, I wound up on the shoulder pointing in more or less the right direction, and no one hit me. I basically did a 360 across two lanes of expressway traffic completely unscathed, so some guardian angel was working overtime. I was shaking so badly afterwards, I could barely drive, but I was halfway to work, so I just "manned up" (for lack of a better term) and went to the office.


Lavender said...

Wow Maise,
I had a similarly horrifying driving experience yesterday!
Mr. Lavender's brother was killed in a car accident last December so I am extra nervous about driving these days. My near-death experience was profoundly upsetting. I know how you feel.

Iris said...

Okay that's it! We all totally need a 2008 do-over because this seems to be the shittiest start of a new year.

Two weeks ago my husband almost died from a low blood sugar incident at 2am. I woke up to him convulsing and called the paramedics. His sugar had dropped to 24. They gave him a shot and he popped right out of it and seems okay now. It's never happened before and we (and his doctor) don't know what caused it to happen now.

Then two days ago my 77 year old Grandma decided to do battle with a table saw while remodeling her kitchen cabinets. They were able to stitch her fingers back up but she about lost the tips to all four on her left hand! Her response was "Oh well dear, these things happen. I feel so silly to have caused all this commotion." GRANDMA!!!

2008 has been BAD! And we're not even out of January yet!

I wish I were kidding about my Grandma but she does these home repair projects all. the. time. Last summer she decided that she was going to re-shingle the small utility shed down by the pond and not tell anybody. And a few years before that she built herself a patio off her bedroom. Does anyone else have this kind of problem with their Grandmothers?

Zeemort said...

I hope you're making fun of His Large Headedness' judgment on Rob Sheridan PURELY on stuff like Population Paste and the beer can vagina.

Otherwise, I will have to RAGE. Because I totally love his design work.

But yeah I don't think Cloverfield is even out in England yet. I'm planning on seeing it when it comes out. Everyone I know who's seen it either absolutely loves it or thinks it's utter rot, so eh. O:

Also Maise- you are rad and I'm glad horrible things didn't happen. And Iris I'm very sorry about your horrible start to the year! Both of those things sound horrible. A friend of mine had a low-sugar incident not too long ago too but his was pretty minor in comparison. Don't have all the details exactly.

Thus far my year has been like the last couple of years: not bad enough to really complain about but still pretty far from spectacular. Hoping things will start being less mediocre.

I've got a few things to be pretty glad about right now though so I'm not gonna even think about the other stuff that should probably be bothering me.

Danny Angel said...

Right there with you guys. My Grandmother nearly died over Christmas, then this week my mom's beloved pet died. Add to that that I have had to travel all over for work. Damn. Let's hope for a better February (month of my birthday...)

Lavender said...

Ditto on the '08 suckage.
My brother got orders that he will be deployed to Afghanistan. I don't support this administration or believe in the fight against terror so this seems a bit Vietnam-esque to me. It's still one of the most horrible things that has happened this year, or in my life.

Mr. Lavender's birthday is in February. I'll toast to you Angelman.

I got a new puppy :/

Iris said...

Oh Lav, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother! When does he have to go? My hubby spent some time in the military. We were lucky that he didn't see any action but there were several times where he'd be away for months. I'm hoping your brother comes home safe. If you ever need to talk...my email is always open.

February should be a little better besides both Angelman and Mr. Lav having birthdays during that month. We'll be taking vacation to go see my brothers out in CA. One of them I haven't seen in a year and the other I haven't seen in about five years. Really looking forward to it.

What kind of puppy did you get?

Lavender said...

Thanks Iris.
I just might take you up on that offer. It's been tough.

Ok. So my new puppy! Get ready to cry!

Two days before New Year's eve, the city animal control picked up a half-starved, scarred, dirty 15 lb pitt bull puppy. He was covered in shit, full of mange and his nails were worn down to a pulp from evidently being locked inside of somewhere. You could see every bone in his body and he had zero body fat making the New York climate intolerable. Animal control brought him to the local friendly emergency vet and they hospitalized him. It turns out that the pitt bull puppy was really a full grown adult! He is the size of a very large cat (probably Angelcat) or a pug or something. He was starved and used as pitt bull bait. He had fresh wounds on his ears and head and when he was shaved for an IV catheter there were wounds on his front legs as well. I saw him, felt sorry for the poor beast and welcomed him to our 2 dog, 3 cat, one fish and snail family. He's since been dewormed, neutered and has gained 5 lbs. He still is bony and skinny but does not look emaciated to the point of death. He had nightmares for the first two weeks but they have since stopped. I love him dearly and call him Mr. Nibbles.

Sad story eh?

Iris said...

Lav you are a wonderful person and if your pup recovers he will be the most loyal and loving dogs you'll ever own.

Many, many years ago we "rescued" (aka "stole" but can it really be called stealing when they obviously didn't want it?) a Vizla from someone's yard. These people had him out there in the middle of winter on a logging chain. There were no foot prints in the snow so we don't know when the last time he had food or water but he was rail thin and had started eating the flesh off his knuckles. Once we got him home he tried to eat a lit cigarette out of Mom's hand. We nursed him back as best we could and he did recover pretty well but it turned out he was pretty old. He only lived for a few months. During that time though he was the sweetest dog. He developed a huge crush on our old golden retriever, Goldie, and would follow her around the back yard all day then shower her with affection by licking the inside of her ears. She could out pace him pretty easily but the best day was when he figured out he could jog. Poor Goldie didn't have a chance after that. lol.

I'm kind of curious on how you ended up with a pet snail.

Lavender said...

Vizlas are beautiful dogs. A bit crazy, but beautiful.
It makes you sad that he lived his whole life under those conditions. At least the last few months of his life he was surrounded in comfort.
I don't know why people treat animals the way they do, but I guess if you've ever seen the conditions some people live in you can take a guess.

The snail came from a plant purchased for the goldfish. The goldfish was a feeder fish won at a local carnival and of course died. The goldfish had to be quickly replaced as not to upset certain family member. I read that plants in a fish's environment reduces stress- hence the plant purchase which unknowingly included a free snail.

His name is Gary.

Danny Angel said...

Rambo was awesome.

Anonymous said...

I've been gone for a while and too busy to read carefully through all of the comments that have been registered in my absence, so I'm not sure just how you all individually dealt with my being away. Still, I gather that there was a snail named Gary that was "whoo-ing" at a rap metal band and it was cold out, then Maise found an ipod touch that someone was giving someone for Christmas and was all excited and has decided not to return it. I think she's writing a short story about it, too, but I might be wrong about that.

But the real question is: has anybody been watching that lie detector show? I'm going to be on it in two weeks.

maise said...

Great to have you back, JR! I haven't watched that lie detector show, but I think I'll have to start. (Unless you're lying about being on it.)

What are you going to do when you're questioned about your relationship with Angelcat???

Iris said...

I heard that they hired Angelcat to do the interrogating. I wouldn't want to go up against him.

Iris said...

Okay I'm watching this lie detector show right now. So far all it has proven is that you can lie your ass off. "Virgin until I get married" says the contestant. "True." Whatever! You're a dirty, lying whore with horse teeth.

Anonymous said...

I'm not at liberty to discuss the inner working of the lie detector show. But I can confirm that Angelcat is the one who makes those funny marks on the paper, but they don't show it on camera because they're afraid that PETA will put the smack down.

Anonymous said...

P.S. It's good to be back. Places Parallel is THE place to escape from the harsh realities of the dumbass I hired six months ago.

Iris said...

Am I maybe detecting the topic of a new post over at JR.com?

(P.S. we're glad to have you back too) *ahem* I mean...bitch, bitch, bitch. You haven't even been back a day and already it's poor me, work sucks, oh yeah and I'll be on TV. Poo, poo, poo.

I honestly don't know how you'd have any accurate answers with Angelcat staring you down. Talk about sweating it out. I'd probably confess to about anything.

"YES! I told your mother that her cookies were delicious but really they gave me food poisoning! YES! I've lied on my taxes about charitable donations! YES! I am hiding Bin Laden in my basement! YES! YES! YES! Oh God! JUST MAKE THE CAT GO. AWAY."

Anonymous said...

CLOVERFIELD SUCKED. Long Live Manhattan.

Iris said...

Told you so.

Anonymous said...

Iris, you are psychic.

Yes, my conflict over my hiring decision will TOTALLY be showing up--soon--on the wailing wall that is JR.

Danny Angel said...