Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Words "Pete Doherty" and "Hottest" Should Never Appear in the Same Sentence

Hm, when exactly was it that Christmas turned from a cherished childhood tradition into an extended military campaign? I think, for me, it was when the husband and I bought a house. Then someone in my family said something along the lines of "Why don't we have Christmas at YOUR house?" And I, underestimating the daunting task ahead, said, "Sure." So this turned into me at the last possible minute (because despite the approaching holidays they still expect one to work full-time) cleaning the whole house from top to bottom, decorating, buying and wrapping gifts, baking multiple types of cookies (as I have been the designated family baker for years now as well), picking up my mother from Indiana, taking her to church, and then putting my mom and husband in charge of dinner because by the time people actually arrive to celebrate the holiday I am on the verge of collapsing from exhaustion and/or a migraine. And everyone has SO much fun that Christmas at my house becomes another family tradition, and I have to go through this every year now.

(Conversely, New Year's transforms from watching Dick Clark on TV with your parents, drinking sparkling grape juice and going straight to bed at 12:01 into something considerably more interesting in adulthood. So there's that compensation at least.)

So that's why things have been quiet on the Maise front over here at PP. But I just had to post when I saw that the readers of NME have voted on "The 20 Hottest Men in Rock." (Quotation marks both to signify the title of an article and for ironic purposes.)

Of course, a certain someone we know is TOTALLY FUCKING ROBBED, and it is one of the great injustices on the internet, but I think these NME readers must be of a certain age and must be into a certain genre of music. You know, the kind where the guy threatens to steal your jeans. (barf)

So I'll comment on several of their choices:

I guess if I had to be stranded on a desert island with any of their picks, I'd go with the Kaiser Chiefs' Ricky Wilson, but only because he has certain Gabriel Miller-esque qualities that make my heart go all pitter-patter:



But in general, as noted on Jezebel, pretty much all of their choices look exactly like this guy:



(Alex Turner, Arctic Monkeys)

I mean, it's not that I don't like skinny, pale English guys...Damon Albarn, YUM...but I think I'm just too much of a child of the '90s to embrace these anemic, anorexic hipster indie/emo types. I mean, most of them just look either too hungry or snobby to want to go to bed with a girl.

Now this guy on the other hand actually has actual qualities of sexiness, although I'm not too familiar with Muse, other than the singles I've heard on the radio, which are okay:



(Matt Bellamy)

As does this guy:



(Jared Followill, Kings of Leon)

Meanwhile, I don't think it's possible for them to provide a worse picture of Jack White of the White Stripes and Raconteurs:



And THIS is just fucking inexplicable:



Who the fuck wants to fuck sweaty, scabby old Pete Doherty? Okay, NME readers, you guys have fun recreating the withdrawal scene from "Trainspotting" with Pete. You can lovingingly caress his collapsed veins and open sores. Then, maybe when he passes out, you can steal his wallet or something. I mean, to each his/her own, but goddamn.

You can see all of NME's skin-and-bones, melanin-deprived picks here.

Happy holidays!

15 comments:

Isabel said...

God, see what I have to put up with the music press in my country? And if you're gonna fantasise about somebody famous why pick someone who is such an ugly loser as Doherty??? (and whose music is crap if you're honest)

Isabel said...

I'm not trying to set myself up as some oil painting by the way, but my face isn't plastered over EVERY FUCKING NEWSPAPER & TV SCREEN ALL THE FUCKING TIME so I have a right to be sick of him. you can't escape him and Winehouse if you want to

maise said...

Also, I want to know where my holiday present from Trent is...

Iris said...

I think the only time it would be acceptable for "Pete Doherty" and "Hottest" to be in the same sentence is if someone's referring to some infectious disease he might be carrying.

Trent has kind a failed us as Santa, huh? Maybe I'm being pessimistic but I'm waiting now for the message of how some big, bad record execs ruined whatever holiday gift Trent had lined up for us.

-meh- I'm ready to put 2008 to bed already. Anyone have any good party plans?

maise said...

Well, the husband and I are getting a nice dinner, going to a faux-Irish pub for their New Year's bash, and then staying in a frou-frou hotel downtown. I'm very excited about it all. My friends are either sick or otherwise occupied, but I had a feeling I couldn't rely on them anyway.

maise said...

Someone needs to make one of those Claymation TV specials: "The Day Trent Reznor Took Over for Santa Claus"

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, Trent!

Trent: But it's not Christmas yet.

Santa: Well, I want to make a deal with you. The Mrs. and I want to go to Tahiti for a little Christmas vacation this year, and I was wondering if you could do the whole "Santa gift distribution" thing for me.

Trent: Okay.

Santa: You've got a bunch of greyhounds...just put some reindeer antlers on them, and it will be just like the real thing. Bye!

[Christmas Eve: Cut to Trent watching TV]

[Christmas Day: All sorts of outrage worldwide because children never got their presents from Santa.]

Trent: Look, I made two mistakes, all right? The first one was assuming that the CEO of Interscope would want to devote some company resources to helping me with this enormous gift-giving burden. He is definitely on my naughty list. Also, I fell asleep on Christmas Eve watching Hostel 2...

Isabel said...

That really made me laugh! Happy New Year

Anonymous said...

Art is Resistance

Iris said...

DA, I'm assuming Angelcat already knows and has perfecting his killing technique but, just the same, here are some warning signs you might look for that he's plotting to get'cha.

JR said...

1A. At least they got Brandon Flowers on the list. The rest are a joke, but BF is just too fricking adorable.

1B. I am convinced that they chose that picture of Jack White to show off his package, cause it looks pretty prominent in that picture, and is just about the only redeeming quality of his. Apparently. It's news to me that he had ANYTHING to offer...musically, he's a hack, and he's nothing much to look at.

2. 2008 was such a great year that I don't know how 2009 could top it, except that I know that it will.

3. This was the Best Christmas Evar, so stop yer whining, Maise.

4. I am going to write a book in 2009. I'm not telling (yet) what it's going to be about, lest you steal my idea. I plan to self-publish. I also plan for it to be GREAT (and non-fiction). Yes, folks, you heard it here on Places Parallel first. Even my friends don't know yet.

5. ERIC GAFFNEY IS PLAYING AT MY THEATRE IN LESS THAN FOUR WEEKS.

6. Happy New Year. To you.

masked indifference said...

A moment with the classics.

Iris said...

Ha! You know I actually went and saw Air Supply last year with my sister. She didn't know who they were but we had a blast nonetheless. I've still got our autographed tickets in my wallet. lol.

Hey Isabel, I've been searching on YouTube but I haven't been able to find it yet but have they aired "The Big Fat Quiz of the Year" for 2008 yet? I've watched the past couple years of those and that was how I first heard of Noel Fielding who made the hot list this post was about. The rest of the guys on the list are pretty -blah- but I like Noel. I've seen him a few times on "Nevermind the Buzzcocks". Can't really find anywhere that plays whole episodes of "The Mighty Boosh" though.

Isabel said...

Perhaps unfairly I give the Big Fat Quiz a miss just because I can't stand Jimmy Carr - but I love the Boosh so watch this space

Isabel said...

Actually here is Big Fat Quiz 2008 from Channel 4's website catch-up thing, you just need windows media player -
http://www.channel4.com/video/brandless-catchup.jsp?vodBrand=big-fat-quiz-of-the-year-2008

ron popeil said...

Set it and forget it.